Friends, acquaintances, strangers, you got clickbaited. The title says “you won’t believe the results,” but the truth is, you probably will believe the results. The Frankenstein monstrosity I created tastes nothing like Seagrass Grey Label.

But that clickbait got you clicking didn’t it? It’s okay, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Even the wisest fish in the sea sometimes bites the pokey worm.

It is a bit embarrassing though, isn’t it? You, a tasty grouper. Me, a cunning fisherman. You can flop about, but it’s too late. While you’re here, have you checked your vehicle’s extended warranty? Did I tell you about my royal Nigerian bloodline?

On second thought, you should be embarrassed. I mean come on, it’s 2023. Why would you click on a title like that?

Frankly, you don’t deserve quality content with internet habits like yours. So here’s 500 words confirming what everyone already knew.

Background:

Barrell Seagrass is a rye finished in a combination of rum, apricot brandy, and wine barrels. There’s no age statement, but apparently the ryes they use range from 5 to 12 years old. Retails for about $80. The seagrass gray label is the same thing, but with a 16 year age statement and $250 price tag.

The Hypothesis:

To me, Seagrass Grey Label just tastes like an oakier version of regular seagrass. My theory was that if you just infused some oak wood chips into seagrass, you’d get something close to Grey Label.

The Experiment:

I try to be as scientific as possible with all my reviews, which is why I always employ a peer-reviewed double-blind process. That means I post my results here on Reddit for peer review, then I ignore the peer review and double down blindly on the results.

Here, I put varying amounts of toasted oak chips in two different glasses of Barrel Seagrass. I also made a third glass with charred oak chips. Then I waited a few days. Then I tasted. Then I felt sad.

Glass #1: contains the smallest amount of toasted oak woodchips (about as much as you see in the picture).

Glass #2: contains a small chunk of a charred oak spiral (about as much as the woodchips in Glass #1)

Glass #3: contains the most toasted oak woodchips (about as much as you see in the picture).

Nose:

Glass #1: smells like young whiskey from a craft distillery. Its got that sawdusty smell to it. It doesn’t smell like seagrass.

Glass #2: this one’s the most promising, it actually smells like seagrass.

Glass #:3: straight up smells like you’re sanding a table.

Palate:

Glass #1: tastes like it smells. Nothing like seagrass.

Glass #2: It’s not as sawdusty as glass #1, but it tastes kind of musty. Not a taste I associate with seagrass or oak, so not sure what happened here.

Glass #3: this stuff is just gross. Tastes like a bitter mouthful of sawdust.

Finish:

Glass #1: medium, not bitter.

Glass #2: medium, not bitter.

Glass #3: medium, bitter.

Final Thoughts:

Seagrass and Seagrass Grey Label are both delicious and I gave them an 8 and 9 respectively in my review here. This monstrosity I created is not that. None of the three glasses are any higher than a 3.

Honestly, I don’t know why it turned out so bad. The flavor imparted by the oak chips and spiral was not the flavor I associate with heavily-oaked bourbons. The chips just made it taste like sawdust and the spiral just added a weird mustiness. I’m sure someone more educated will explain how my methodology was flawed, but what do they know, they fell for the clickbait.

The only thing more disappointing than the results of this experiment is you. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about your shameful display of naivety. You can’t live your life like this. Do better.